Money Management With Spouses

[Benny003]

Originally Posted by drop2d

uh, no. But maybe that's why a lot of marriages end in divorce.

From what I learned from a previous marriage and what I see other couples go through - one of the biggest things they argue about is money. So, while most of our money is pooled... we keep small separate accounts. This way I'm not complaining that she's bought her 50,000th black tank top and she's not complaining that I bought another BBQ tool.

Bingo. That's what I learned too. It's going to be different for every couple, but my wife and I truly value having our own independence. It's just our personalities. I mean there are a lot of times that she takes me out to dinner with her money and vice versa. Or there are times where I just say I don't feel like spending money on something (like a dinner or a concert) and she'll say she wants to pay for it or she'll offer to split it with me using her money. It gives us the freedom to choose how we spend our own money and that sense of independence, but we also know that we'll take care of each other.

[jkrue22]

1. Stay single
2. Make money
3. ?????
4. Profit!

[cjstinelli]

Originally Posted by jenhen27

I have a question for you co-mingler folks with just one account.. Do you discuss all of your purchases?

For example, do you tell each other that you are going to buy a coffee on the way to work or go out for lunch? Do you discuss buying a new kindle book or make sure it's OK before you buy new throw pillows? How do you balance your checking account/keep track of the money available with more than one person having access to it all the time?

Don't discuss anything unless it's a semi major purchase (maybe $100+). Whoever has the checkbook gets the receipts to balance debit purchases (both in checkbook and online), but mostly credit cards are used and paid off monthly. Every bill is paid from the joint account. Spending money comes from the same account. Married 10 years, never a single fight about finances.

[scrock25]

Originally Posted by jenhen27

I have a question for you co-mingler folks with just one account.. Do you discuss all of your purchases?

For example, do you tell each other that you are going to buy a coffee on the way to work or go out for lunch? Do you discuss buying a new kindle book or make sure it's OK before you buy new throw pillows? How do you balance your checking account/keep track of the money available with more than one person having access to it all the time?

Not sure if serious.

[scrock25]

Originally Posted by cjstinelli

Don't discuss anything unless it's a semi major purchase (maybe $100+). Every bill is paid from the joint account. Spending money comes from the same account. Married 10 years, never a single fight about finances.

All of this - it's not difficult.

[GSUdawg521]

Originally Posted by jenhen27

I have a question for you co-mingler folks with just one account.. Do you discuss all of your purchases?

For example, do you tell each other that you are going to buy a coffee on the way to work or go out for lunch? Do you discuss buying a new kindle book or make sure it's OK before you buy new throw pillows? How do you balance your checking account/keep track of the money available with more than one person having access to it all the time?

Yeah, why would you do any of those things?

When you're like-minded with someone else, you both have the same spending habits, responsibility, etc.

I suppose I could see this being a problem if we were still like college kids living paycheck to paycheck and our checking account was hovering at a couple hundred at all times.

[mandy18]

Yeah, I can't figure that out. Discuss coffee / lunch / book or pillows?
If I discussed every purchase, I would have already been on the phone 4 times this morning and it's not even 9am.

[M. Steng]

Originally Posted by jenhen27

I have a question for you co-mingler folks with just one account.. Do you discuss all of your purchases?

For example, do you tell each other that you are going to buy a coffee on the way to work or go out for lunch? Do you discuss buying a new kindle book or make sure it's OK before you buy new throw pillows? How do you balance your checking account/keep track of the money available with more than one person having access to it all the time?

What? No, that's absurd. Unless you're scrounging the bottom of the barrel to pay your bills then there is absolutely no reason to discuss routine purchases. I trust my wife and she trusts me, we have open lines of communication for any non-routine major purchases but neither of us would do anything like that without discussing with the other anyways, regardless of money.

Perfect example is my wife needed a little Chromebook for her second job so it would help her finish her clinical notes. She shopped around and found one she liked. I didn't even ask how much it was, she just told me she was going to buy it that day.

Also, no matter how you justify it, it's all "your" money and it's all "his" money. If you split the mortgage, for example, it literally and mathematically does not matter one iota whether you're pulling half from your account and half from his, or if it's all coming from one account.

[YouNeverKnow25]

why would putting the money into two separate piles make someone less or more likely to whinge about everyday purchases?

[M. Steng]

And the keeping track of money thing is easy, I look at my bank statement and check the account balances. As long as we have enough transfered to the checking account on time to pay our major bills (CC on the 18th, car on the 20th, student loans on the 24th, mortgage on the 1st) then we have nothing to worry about. Another advantage of using the CC for daily purchases.

[cazzie34]

Originally Posted by YouNeverKnow25

why would putting the money into two separate piles make someone less or more likely to whinge about everyday purchases?

out of sight, out of mind.

[YouNeverKnow25]

color me skeptical that the person who clearly says they would bitch about coffee purchases if only they knew about them doesn't bitch about coffee purchases in general

[ExistenceNow]

Married just under 10 years. We don't have any separate accounts. Neither of us has to ask for permission to buy something we want; and neither of us cares after the fact if the other buys something dumb.

[cazzie34]

Originally Posted by YouNeverKnow25

color me skeptical that the person who clearly says they would bitch about coffee purchases if only they knew about them doesn't bitch about coffee purchases in general

Meh, it's worked for my wife and I so far. I'm a penny pincher so I try to save as much as I can each month or put extra payments toward our debts. My wife is more of a live within your means type of person and is OK spending that extra $100 a month on frivolous shit.

I also know that I have a bad habit of thinking that my little purchases like coffee etc I can justify in my mind because I know how much I want to spend every month whereas I know I'd be harder on my wife because I'm not sure what her mindset is. She'd then get mad at me for holding her to a double standard and then I'd bring up the #s as to how much each of us had spent that month on things like coffee.

If its in her bank account she can do with it what she wants and I don't think about how that money could be used to pay down debts or save. IDK, it works for us. I think we'd have a lot more fights if it was combined.

[YouNeverKnow25]

it's weird to me that you feel that she needs your permission to spend money

[Rodey]

Not married, but I would say do what works for you.

[cazzie34]

Originally Posted by YouNeverKnow25

it's weird to me that you feel that she needs your permission to spend money

That's fair. But, in my defense, if the money was combined I would also feel that I would need her permission to spend money.

[M. Steng]

Originally Posted by cazzie34

Meh, it's worked for my wife and I so far. I'm a penny pincher so I try to save as much as I can each month or put extra payments toward our debts. My wife is more of a live within your means type of person and is OK spending that extra $100 a month on frivolous shit.

I also know that I have a bad habit of thinking that my little purchases like coffee etc I can justify in my mind because I know how much I want to spend every month whereas I know I'd be harder on my wife because I'm not sure what her mindset is. She'd then get mad at me for holding her to a double standard and then I'd bring up the #s as to how much each of us had spent that month on things like coffee.

If its in her bank account she can do with it what she wants and I don't think about how that money could be used to pay down debts or save. IDK, it works for us. I think we'd have a lot more fights if it was combined.

I mean the extra $30-50 you might spend on coffee every month isn't going to make or break you financially. Sure it's good to be a little frugal at times but when it restricts your ability to enjoy mundane, every day things like coffee or a lunch out or a few hundred on a new gadget/toy/whatever every few months, that's not worth the hassle to me.

Obviously different priorities for different people though. Right now we're of the mindset that our house projects are going to be our major purchases for the foreseeable future, so we have to cut down on weekend trips, big purchases like a new couch which we sort of need, stuff like that. We still will go out to eat like 1-2 times per week though, it might be nice to save that $100-150 every week but it also is a nice release after a long work week and saves us the hassle of cooking and cleaning.

[jmc419]

Originally Posted by ExistenceNow

Married just under 10 years. We don't have any separate accounts. Neither of us has to ask for permission to buy something we want; and neither of us cares after the fact if the other buys something dumb.

Married 3 years, together for 10.

In this boat.

We split bills pretty evenly and both contribute to large purchases we can both enjoy but don't bother each other with misc. personal purchases.

[YouNeverKnow25]

it kinda sounds like you aren't in the same boat, if you "split bills pretty evenly"

[Noles20]

My wife and I always maintained separate accounts. While she was home with the kids, it really didn't matter much but now that she is back to work, it gives us some financial freedom. Neither one of us likes the idea of having to account for every dollar to the other person. I make a lot more money so I pay the bills while she takes care of the groceries each week and stuff for the kids that is always coming up. Whatever we have left over, we have discretion over. It works perfectly for us.

[YouNeverKnow25]

again, putting the money in one pile versus two separate ones is not what's causing anyone to "have to account for every dollar to the other person." that's a whole personality issue that has nothing to do with where you put the money that comes in

[M. Steng]

Unless you're literally tracing every single dollar and what it ends up towards, trying to account for shared expenses like that is an exercise in futility and a total waste of time, IMO.

If my wife gets paid on the same Friday as my student loan gets withdrawn from the same account, is that basically her paycheck going toward the loan? Or is the money that was already in the account getting withdrawn and then her paycheck makes up for it? Either way, it doesn't matter at all, you end up with the same withdrawal and deposit regardless.

[dre2142]

Originally Posted by jenhen27

I have a question for you co-mingler folks with just one account.. Do you discuss all of your purchases?

For example, do you tell each other that you are going to buy a coffee on the way to work or go out for lunch? Do you discuss buying a new kindle book or make sure it's OK before you buy new throw pillows? How do you balance your checking account/keep track of the money available with more than one person having access to it all the time?

Like everyone has stated...NO. lol.

Id say if we get up in the 300, 400, 500 dollar range for a single item purchase its brought up to the other person. Depending on the situation.
We are financially secure enough that there isnt a purchase that will "break the bank" or put us in a bad spot regardless.

And we regularly check our balances on line and via Mint. I dont even write down purchases anymore in a ledger.

[harryhoudini]

Originally Posted by M. Steng

I mean the extra $30-50 you might spend on coffee every month isn't going to make or break you financially. Sure it's good to be a little frugal at times but when it restricts your ability to enjoy mundane, every day things like coffee or a lunch out or a few hundred on a new gadget/toy/whatever every few months, that's not worth the hassle to me.

Obviously different priorities for different people though. Right now we're of the mindset that our house projects are going to be our major purchases for the foreseeable future, so we have to cut down on weekend trips, big purchases like a new couch which we sort of need, stuff like that. We still will go out to eat like 1-2 times per week though, it might be nice to save that $100-150 every week but it also is a nice release after a long work week and saves us the hassle of cooking and cleaning.

I don't have the mindset that Cazzie does, but I'm not to far off tbh. For some it is hard to separate the two unless you have a system to do so. People are irrational about different things.

For instance, I have a friend who owns one car and he leases the other. He won't buy a second car because he is overly anal about keeping a car he owns clean and perfectly maintained. With two young kids that is unreasonable. He's willing to pay the premium of a lease for the peace of mind that one car can get dirty.

[rconverse]

Originally Posted by drop2d

uh, no. But maybe that's why a lot of marriages end in divorce.

From what I learned from a previous marriage and what I see other couples go through - one of the biggest things they argue about is money. So, while most of our money is pooled... we keep small separate accounts. This way I'm not complaining that she's bought her 50,000th black tank top and she's not complaining that I bought another BBQ tool.

Something like that makes sense to me if the money is "pooled" first and then re-distributed to those small accounts. You can also use those accounts to "hide" purchases, like Christmas and birthday gifts, which is what a lot of married people I know do.

[Benny003]

I guess in my mind it was just simpler to think that before we met we were our own independent people and getting married doesn't really change that, so it didn't make sense to combine our finances completely. We share the things that affect us both (mortgage, utility bills, etc.) in proportion to our incomes, but we keep the things separate that only affects one of us (discretionary purchases). The idea that a lot of people have that once you get married you basically become like one person (what's yours is mine and what's mine is yours) just doesn't resonate with me at all. For the people who have that idea for marriage, then obviously having separate accounts doesn't make sense for them. Different marriages work in different ways.

[dre2142]

Originally Posted by rconverse

Not spousal but my check is deposited into my account and then transferred to my sister's account. After that, I don't do anything but spend money. Everything else works through her outside of my 401(k). I don't pay bills. I don't "budget". Magically, everything happens.

Been doing that for about a decade and it's been great. Went from about $x in debt to $x(6) in savings.

Very very weird, but for some reason, im not surprised its you that does this

[scrock25]

Originally Posted by Benny003

I guess in my mind it was just simpler to think that before we met we were our own independent people and getting married doesn't really change that, so it didn't make sense to combine our finances completely. We share the things that affect us both (mortgage, utility bills, etc.) in proportion to our incomes, but we keep the things separate that only affects one of us (discretionary purchases). The idea that a lot of people have that once you get married you basically become like one person (what's yours is mine and what's mine is yours) just doesn't resonate with me at all. For the people who have that idea for marriage, then obviously having separate accounts doesn't make sense for them. Different marriages work in different ways.

It fundamentally changes that.

[harryhoudini]

Originally Posted by Benny003

I guess in my mind it was just simpler to think that before we met we were our own independent people and getting married doesn't really change that, so it didn't make sense to combine our finances completely. We share the things that affect us both (mortgage, utility bills, etc.) in proportion to our incomes, but we keep the things separate that only affects one of us (discretionary purchases). The idea that a lot of people have that once you get married you basically become like one person (what's yours is mine and what's mine is yours) just doesn't resonate with me at all. For the people who have that idea for marriage, then obviously having separate accounts doesn't make sense for them. Different marriages work in different ways.

To be fair, legally isn't that the case? I don't have much insight into divorce proceedings, so correct me if I'm wrong.