Alfred Tabbs II

[alphatabs]

[SIZE="1"]Today is the Alfred Tabbs II Marathon where I will reveal the final ten chapters of this long awaited prequel. I've been kind of hesitant because after reviewing them I've come to many conclusions. For one, the sexist, racist, sacrilegious, and all around appalling nature of the story has far exceeded what I myself deem to be appropriate. This may translate into hilarity but it also has the power to become deeply offensive to those with a blind eye. Heh...blind eye...like a pirate...anyway. What I'm trying to say is that this story is appalling to those who can't see it as that, a story. A non-fictional story about a real pirate. So with that, I'm a disgusting human being and please don't hate me for it. Enjoy the show! It starts at 3PM and updates will be on the hour. You may want to use this time to back read if you are interested. There's a part one as well. Have a nice day.

Children's Novelist and Pirate
-Captain Alfred A. Tabbs of the Alphten Cruiser

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[41ravens]

well, there goes anything i was going to try to get done at work today.

*sits on floor indian style*
*waits for alpha*

[Koreelove]

if only I were a candycane!

I love it!

[JenLuvsDMB]

Alpha, have I told you lately that I love you?

[Tomriddle]

yay!

[alphatabs]

Chapter 12: Holy Pockets

I crashed on the sofa to watch a little tube. Shortly after, Mrs. Clause came by to make it big again. She gave me a nudge and was about to say something so I looked down and listened, "ewy goohda gaa ta wook en a man--- *whoarf!*" --- "Take my dick out your mouth and say again." --- "I've got to go to work in a minute ya know, so I was wondering if you're gonna be alright here." I didn't have the heart to tell her I was there to kill her husband, cut him open, and take his magic juice to the abominable snowman. Quite frankly, I don't think there's enough pot on this world to make that sound logical. "Well," I responded, "I'm sure I can manage. Where exactly is it that you work? Judging by the boobie tassels I assume you're a life size Christmas ornament?" She sent me a smirk as she twirled her chewing gum, "course not silly, I dance as Cassandra Peartree down at The Sleigh Ride."

She had the body of a stripper from her two turtle doves down to her jutting mistletoe. Just thinking about that toe makes my wee-wee hard. She was halfway out the door before stopping in her tracks. She turned around and said, "could you wake that piece of shit husband of mine up? It's Christmas you know? The deadbeat prick works one night a year and God forbid we don't get that check." With that she left. I had forgotten all about ol' Saint Nick so I went down the hall to find him. He was in the bathroom throwing up gingerbread men. THE CANNIBAL!

"Rise and shine Santy." I said, "it's Christmas time once again and you've got to get to work." With that I slowly removed my Luger from it's holster and began to sight up. --- "Fuck work." he merrily exclaimed, "my wife cheats on me, I've got cocaine in my beard, and all the little kids of the world just keep getting greedier and greedier! Why should I waste my time with it?" I pulled back the trigger, "Work, don't work...who gives a shit." Just then there was a knock at the door, *KNOCK* *KNOCK* --- "YO!" --- *KNOCK* *KNOCK* --- "It's the end of the month and I want my mother fucking money Santa! This is the third time this week you son of a bitch!" *KNOCK* *KNOCK* --- "I know you're in there now if you don't open that door I'm gonna turn your fat ass into grass faster than I turn water into wine!" Santa sobered up and he sobered up quick, "Jesus Christ!" --- "What?" I said. --- "Didn't you hear me? Quick, through the window and to my sleigh." I didn't know what was going on. If it was the police I was in just as much trouble as Santa so I put away the pistol and dashed for the window. Santa was already lodged in it, making escape nearly impossible. I scurried to the living room and was blinded by the great light coming from the peephole. I took towards the back door but it was too late, in walked the holy spirit and he was packing heat.


...can Captain Tabbs escape grave danger once again?
...will Misses Clause come home smelling like cheap whiskey and businessmen?
...do gingerbread men have the ability to love?

Tune in next time for chapter thirteen of Alfred Tabbs II: Electric Boogaloo

[JenLuvsDMB]

[Koreelove]

[Tomriddle]

i'm going to get a sex change so i can have your babies

[winterscold]

haha, do dingerbread men have the ability to love. THat strikes me as really funny. I love the stories.

[alphatabs]

Chapter 13: Santa Clause and his Old Lady

I kneeled before him in an attempt to save my soul. "Forgive me Father for I have sinned," I apprehensively spoke. The Great Being placed his hand on my head. Totally gay! No matter; he asked, "What sin have you committed my son? Tell me your burdens so I may release you from them." I scanned for a way out, it was a no go. My piss was weakening floor below me but it wouldn't be a fast enough escape so I just went with it, "I have committed the sin of Adultchourey." --- "You mean Adultery." --- "Yeah that too. I slept with Mrs. Clause behind Santa's back." Jesus began to smile, "My sweet child! Who has not slept with Mrs. Clause? All is well!" --- "But Lord, I was sent here by the Abominable Snowman himself to murder Santa Clause! Is this not a sin?" --- "You too!?! I was hoping I'd get the first wack off that bastard! He owes me tree fiddy. Where is he anyway?"

I told him that Santa was in the kitchen. That bought me some time to find Santa and get the hell out. If Jesus got ahold of him before I did then I surly wouldn't get that magic man juice I so desperately needed. When I got outside I saw Santa hanging out of the window. Apparently he had attempted to break the glass away, but gashed himself on it instead. "Hang on Santa!" I joked; walking towards the poor fool with sword in hand, "Now believe me, this is gonna hurt you a lot more than it's gonna hurt me!" --- "AH-HA! There you are Santa! Where's my mother fuckin' tree fiddy!?! I swear to dad you are in a world of hurt!" As the savior hovered towards us I knew Santa was just going to have to get his at another time. I pulled him out of the window and into the sleigh.

Jesus slowly approached in a most ominous fashion; white after labor day. The man had no respect for fashion laws, he was a loose cannon! Santa faded in and out of consciousness and I was freaking out, "Move this piece of shit Santa! Put the pedal to the deerballs and GO!" It was no use though as Santa was out of commission. Frantically, I pressed buttons as I inserted a key into one of the reindeer's buttholes. It wasn't working, it was only arousing Santa Clause. Enough though that he could speak, "*cough* You have to call their names you halfwit! *cough* Their names!" --- "Oh yeah!" I said, "On Donner! On Blitzen! On Chewy! on Tavo! --- C'mon, Becto!" But it was no use, Cheech and Chong had failed me again. Christ pulled out two sawed-off shotguns and cried, "I'll see you in hell Kringle!" It was an odd choice of words I'll admit.

He fired the first shell and the reindeer took off like a speeding bullet. Needless to say; this was bad news as we were now in pursuit by a fairly large cloud of shotgun pellets. I ducked and sadly ol' Prancer took one for the team. We drug him for about ten and a half miles until he was clipped by a rooftop. I won't lie to you, I did masturbate while I was up there. I've masturbated on land and sea but never in the air. It was amazing; like a majestic eagle soaring gracefully through the air, then coughing up a half pitcher of pina colada. I tried my best to steer the sleigh until Santa could come to. Get it? Come to!?! Eh whatever, I'm not here to fucking impress you.


...can the Captain steer the out of control sleigh or will they plummet to a fiery grave?
...does Santa's magic man juice make a great conditioner?
...are the Hogwallops having reindeer for supper tonight?

Tune in next time for chapter fourteen of Alfred Tabbs II: Electric Boogaloo

[JenLuvsDMB]

You crack me up.

[Koreelove]

:sitsbackanswaitsformore

[alphatabs]

Chapter 14: It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I stitched Santa up the best I could and waited for his return to reality; I wanted him to be awake for this. As we traveled through the night sky, a feeling of warmth came across what was an otherwise dire situation. I sat there with sword in hand; balls in the other, and began to reflect on just how big a deal Christmas was for the world.

I remember when I was just a young and hung boy I went up to my father and asked, "Papa, why doesn't Santa Clause come to visit us here in the ocean." He crouched down to me, placed his hand on my shoulder and replied, "Papa!?? What are you, gay? Are you going to start pushing a wheel with a stick or something? Call me Dad for Christ's sake." Then he went into his cabin and had sex with the many, many wenches at his disposal. I guess he rubbed off on me quite a bit, not in an incestuous way but in an inherited one. Is everything a pun with you sick sons of bitches? I could reminisce about the good old days all night and vice versa but Santa began to wakey so I prepared some eggs and bakey.

"HO-HO-OHHHH MY STOMACH! LOOK OUT MISSISSIPPI!" he screamed whilst blasting a dookie onto a passing orphanage and the side of his sleigh. Who was going to mind, it was Mississippi. "Well, I'm up here anyway so I mine as well drop these damned toys off." He made it sound like such a chore. All the man had to do was climb every chimney in the world, put presents under a tree without making a sound all the while eating fatal amounts of cookies and kissing the occasional mommy underneath a mistletoe! What was the big deal? So I offered to help him in exchange for some of the hot make out sessions. He could have the cookies and milk for all I cared because MILF does a body good in my book. Fuck two percent, I was getting my milk from the source son! And with that we traveled the world in search for all the good little boys and girls. We threw the naughty ones in a huge burlap sack and tied it to the back of an old Camaro. It was fun and really let them know who was boss.

Now I hate to admit it, but I was having a pretty great time with Santa Clause. We shared stories and passionate kis...er um...recipes. Yea, recipes. I also committed adultery another 6,537,408 times, three of which were consensual and one I later found out was a cactus! YIPPEE! I was getting use to this whole Santa gig and could see the benefits of having a magical sleigh over a pirate ship. We finally got to the last stop on the list. It was down in an old rundown trailer park. "HO-HO-HO! I've got to take a piss," shouted Saint Nick. "finish the last of them will you pal?" I wasn't too sure how to handle the situation since there were no chimneys but Santa said to get creative with it. Kicking in doors, I barked 'Merry Fucking Christmas' to all of the darling bundles of joy as showers of toys were flung at their adorable little faces. I was making the children of the world happy one pissed pant at a time. It tugged at my heart strings until they were pulsating ooze everywhere; it was a good feeling.


...will Santa and Tabbs co-exist to take on their Christmas adventure?
...do pirates dig chests and plunder booty in more ways than one?
...if you get a cactus pregnant do you have to file for child support?

Tune in next time for chapter fifteen of Alfred Tabbs II: Electric Boogaloo

[Tomriddle]

Originally Posted by alphatabs

"HO-HO-OHHHH MY STOMACH! LOOK OUT MISSISSIPPI!" he screamed whilst blasting a dookie onto a passing orphanage and the side of his sleigh. Who was going to mind, it was Mississippi.

best line in a while

[Koreelove]

I love you, I really do...serisouly....lets get married

:swoon

[alphatabs]

Chapter 15: Fuck Hunt

I finally got to the last house of the night. As I was tucking single mommy back into her bed I noticed something in the entertainment system. A Nintendo Entertainment System to be exact. Intrigued and full of lady wine I decided to investigate. The bastard! It was the same Nintendo that Santa swiped from me three years ago! I traded a fucking Karmann Ghia for that thing, and the bitch was primo let me tell you! That's why Santa stole it, he must have pawned this kid's gift and had to make up for it. He stole from the drunk and gave to the poor!

"A Robin Hood he is not," I grumbled; tearing away at the cables in a vain attempt to get back what was mine. Just then, a little boy came walking towards me as he rubbed the sleepies out of his eyes. He looked up and with a gasp he shouted, "RAPE! RAPE! OH RAPE! BLOODY MURDER! BLOODY MURDER! AHHHHHH!" This kid was legitimately thought I was going to cut him up! Running towards him I covered his mouth with my hand, "NO KID! You've got it all wrong see...I'm Santa Clause. I'm not here to hurt you!" I didn't know what else to say and I knew he wouldn't buy it.

The child backed up and pointed his finger in my face, "You're not Santa Clause! Santa Clause has a white beard and a red coat!" --- "I'm going goth this year now get the hell outta my way please." --- "But I thought Santa Clause was big and fat!" --- "Black is a thinning color now beat it." --- "Well then where's your reindeer?" --- "Up your ass." --- "............" --- "JUST GODA BED GODDAMMIT!" --- "Nice language, do you kiss your father with that mouth?" --- "Ughh-you little..." Checkmate. He was a persistent little chap.

Nevertheless, I went back to work untangling myself from the nest of wires as he continued to stare at me. "What are you doing?" the boy asked. Just then I yanked the console free from the shelf and into the bag of toys. Then the boy began to sob, "Santie Claus, why? Why are you taking our video game, why?" But do you know, I was so smart and so slick; with a ten inch dick, that I thought up a lie and I thought it up quick. "Why my sweet little tot," the fake Santa Clause lied, "there's a knob on this part that won't click on one side. So I'm taking it home to my workshop my dear, I'll fix it up there and I'll bring it back here!" --- Then he gave me a look. "...You're a damn pirate!" --- "SHIT!" And with that I threw a beer bottle at his face and made a run for it. I didn't make it too far because he had a BB Gun in his pocket, I thought he was just happy to see me. The shot hit me in the back and I cried for a good ten minutes before passing out. When I came to the kid was pointing my gun at my face. Ain't that a bitch?


...will the Captain get his ass handed to him by a four year old?
...does Gotha Clause give out razor blades and eyeliner to all the good little boys and girls?
...is Dr. Suess rolling in his grave?

Tune in next time for chapter sixteen of Alfred Tabbs II: Electric Boogaloo

[Koreelove]

and you're so punctual...

I have to go....I will be back for more Captain

[alphatabs]

Chapter 16: I'll Be Home For Christmas

I propped myself on the wall and tried to strike a deal, "I'm really, really, really sorry kid. Please don't kill me! You can come live with me if you want. On a real pirate ship! There's porn and coconuts and all kinds of sharp blades and stuff. It'll be fun! What do you say?" He began to think about it, and that's when I made my move. I pushed him out of the way and attempted to swing on the ceiling fan in hope that it's momentum would launch me out the window and safely into the sleigh. Much to my chagrin; it fell, burying me in serrated glass. He spoke, "How 'bout that deal pirate?"

Don't let anybody tell you different, picking glass out of your grundle is much more exciting with a gun involved. "Kid, if that gun was any deeper in my throat I'd have to buy it dinner," I reasoned. The kid refused to let up though and if I didn't play my cards right I was a goner. "Okay mister," he said. "we've got a deal! I want to live with you on your pirate ship." The plan went off without a hitch, well...one minor hitch. "Oh yeah, I umm...don't technically have a ship anymore." --- "What! Why not?" --- "It was vacated by the Abominable Snowman's henchsnowmen, it's kind of a long story." The bolt snapped back. "I've got time." --- "Well, I hopped a magic carpet to Berlin in order to spelunk for a great treasure that may or may not contain a used dinosaur condom with the only known traces of T-Rex spooge but Neo-Nazi soldiers beat *breath* me up until my crew drove our pirate ship into the river and...you know what, you should probably just kill me now."

He had a better idea. "Give me your soul and I won't kill you." --- "My bowl?" --- "Your soul!" --- "My doll?" --- "YOUR SOUL!" --- "Oh, my soul. I'm pretty sure I don't have one of those but okay. You got a pen?" I scribbled a recipe for some delicious no-bake chocolate oatmeal cookies and a chick with big boobs. How was he to know, he was four. "That's not a signature, that's a naked lady!" --- "Oh sorry kid, forgot to dot the nip; yep, there you go buddy, one pirate soul. Merry Christmas to all and to all go the hell to bed now." I poured him a glass of milk; Ipecac the bastard, and Santa and I were on our way.

I dozed off and when I awoke we were over the Caribbean. "Why are we out here Santa?" --- "I forgot to mention," Santa replied. "We left out all the little pirate boys and girls. We better go give them their presents!" I knew better. Reaching for my gun I approached him, "Wait a minute Santa, you don't visit pir--" But it was too late. Santa had the Luger and shot a single round into my stomach. I fell hard to the floor. He grabbed me by the neck and shoved me to the edge. "I win." he said, firing off another shot into my chest. He put the gun back in my holster and released me over the water.


...is Captain Tabbs dead?
...of course he's not, it's a prequel you moron.
...oh yeah? I'll shove a prequel up your ass!

Tune in tomorrow at 3PM EST for the final five chapters of Alfred Tabbs II: Electric Boogaloo

[Tomriddle]

Originally Posted by alphatabs

...is Captain Tabbs dead?
...of course he's not, it's a prequel you moron.
...oh yeah? I'll shove a prequel up your ass!

[Koreelove]

[Koreelove]

is it 3 o'clock yet?????

[JenLuvsDMB]

Yes!

[alphatabs]

Chapter 17: There's No Foxy Boxing in Pirate Hell

"YARRR! ROLL CALL! When I call ye name just say hither, twar present okay? STINKY SAM." --- 'PRESENT' --- "AQUAMAN!" --- 'HITHER!' --- "MARGARET THE DISGRUNTLED SHIP WHORE" --- 'UNDER HERE!' --- "UNDER WHERE?" --- 'NOPE, NOT WEARING ANY.' --- "YAR-HAR! OKAY, OKAY WHERE WAS I? OH YEAH. CAP'N TABBS!" --- '...' --- "WHERE BE ALFRED TABBS?" I awoke in a filthy old cavern in nothing but my boots. "Where am I?" I pondered aloud. "QUIT PONDERING ALOUD SWASHBUCKLER! THIS IS DAVY JONES' LOCKER, THE PLACE WHERE DROWNED SEAMEN COME TO DIE!" --- "Are you sure? This doesn't look like my toilet." --- "OF COURSE I'M SURE, I LIVE HERE!" --- "Why is everyone naked!?!" --- "THEY'RE NOT, I DON'T KNOW WHY THE HELL YOU ARE NOW FALL BACK IN LINE!"

Not being one to steer clear of nude conga lines, I followed order. "Now listen up," the man said. "you have found ye selves in uncharted territory. Fate has kicked ye in the mommy-daddy button and neither God nor Satan can save you now!" I raised my hand. "ARRR! WHAT BE IT!?!" --- "Well it's just that you said 'neither God nor Satan' which is a double negative so does that mean they can save us?" --- "WHAT DO YE THINK SCUM?" --- [SIZE="1"]"Yes!?!"[/SIZE] --- "NOOOO!" he shrieked. "ACH-HEM! As I were saying, neither God nor Sat-" --- "or Satan." --- "OR SATAN! ERRR! Can save you now. You are all fallen soldiers of the sea and as such ye will be spending the eternity down here with I, sir Davy Jones." I raised my hand again, "WHAT IS IT THIS TIME!?!" --- "Will there be foxy boxing?" I asked. He then stepped from his pedestal and picked up a big ass sword. That thing was like something off of QVC! "Guards, return this man his soul and put him back afloat so I may kill him again myself!" --- "Jokes on you, I didn't even have a soul coming into this! WOOO! Free soul! Cough it up suckers!"

The doorman nodded at Davy and said, "He's right boss, we didn't check a soul from this guy." Jones stormed towards me and with his sword in my side, "I demand you explain your situation charlatan. Hey...is that ink on your palm? Did you sell your soul to Lucifer!?!" --- "More like the son of Lucifer, but I didn't sign over my soul. I'm not stupid you know. I just drew some boobs on a piece of paper, honest!" Davy Jones became unhinged as he scrambled through his desk for a pen. "Here," he approached. "Draw me what you drew him!" I doodled the same woman from before to the best of my abilities; give or take a breast size, and handed the sheet back to Davy Jones. "Fellas," he read. "I'm ready to get up and do my thing? Yeah go ahead in parenthesis? Why, this is nothing more than the first line to Sex Machine!" --- "Yea, she gets around." --- "Well there's no telling what you wrote him now is there? ARRRHH! Send him back before I catch hell for this and keep your eye on him! I want this boy found and gutted! No one makes a fool of Davy Jones!" --- "*cough* Nobody makes a foo-" --- "GET HIM THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME NOW BEFORE I OD ON STUPIDITY! TO HIS VESSEL WITH HIM, FORTHWITH!"


...what roll will Davy Jones play in this deranged allegory?
...did he receive a complementary box of Omaha Steaks with his sword?
...will the Captain get on up and then shake his money maker?

Tune in next time for chapter eighteen of Alfred Tabbs II: Electric Boogaloo

[JenLuvsDMB]

Omaha Steaks.

[Koreelove]

I love this shit

[alphatabs]

Chapter 18: Soy un Perdedor

"¡Buena mañana y una Feliz Navidad a usted Veracruz! ¡Éste es Franco por la mañana y usted está escuchando 151.3 El Jizzmop!"

UHHH! My radio alarm woke me up from this horrible dream I had about Christmas. Thank God the nightmare was over and I was in the safety of my own quarters once again. I got up and poured myself a cup of coffee, "Good morning coffee machine! Good morning 'World's Greatest Pirate' mug! Good morning Mexican guy I've never seen...wait a minute! Good morning coffee machine!?! Since when have I had that?" I stormed to the main deck. Low and behold my ship had crash landed on a Mexican shoreline. "That's it!" I yelled. "Everybody out except the pregnant chick. You heard me. ¡Andale, andale, arriba, arriba!"

The realization had hit me just like the smell of a dirty pussy, twas no dream! "How did this ship get here?" I asked the preggo. "It washed up here a few days ago with some dead men on it. We cleaned it out and used it for shelter." --- "You cleaned it out!?! Where are my fallen? Did you give them a proper burial at sea?" --- "Si." --- "With all their stuff!?!" --- "Si." --- "DAMMIT! Why did you do that?" --- "We just thought it was the noble thing to do." --- "Noble? Noble doesn't put Lafitte's Rolex on my wrist now does it? Say... just how pregnant are you anyway?" --- "Nine and a half months." --- "Can we pretend you said seven?" --- "I guess." --- "Good, I'll see you in my quarters in twenty."

With the help of my Hispanic compadres we were able to dislodge the ship back into the water. What should've taken days took only three minutes and a case of Coronas. I did my business with the preggo; I don't care what you say, and set course for the kid. "Hey buddy! You still got that paper I gave you?" --- "Sure do!" --- "Great! Let's get going!" Puzzled he asked, "Going? Where to?" --- "A real live Pirate ship with guns and gold and all the trimmings! There's even some leftovers if you don't mind the placenta." --- "What's placenta?" --- "Heaven on earth my friend. Now let us away in hunt for a real treasure!" The kid was so duped. I just had to stall for awhile so I could get that paper back, then I'd ditch him faster than a slut on prom night. I gave him an honorary eye patch and some 'pretend rum' which was just absinthe. He slept like a coma induced baby that night as we made our way to the Great Tabbs Treasure. All I could do was hope that it would solve all my problems. And if it happened to have the antidote for Hepatitis E, well that'd be just fine too.


...can the Captain finally get his hand on the Great Tabbs Treasure?
...will he ever get the smell of tortilla and hair gel out of his blinds?
...can you use an umbilical cord to tie down a mainsail?

Tune in right now for chapter nineteen of Alfred Tabbs II: Electric Boogaloo






Chapter 19: One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Dead Fish

While the rest of the world was busy playing with their toys, I hadn't even had a chance to plug mine in yet. Not the dildo my cousin got me, the Nintendo. The kid woke/threw up all over my couch so I flipped the cushion and set it on fire. "Look kid," I said. "I'll get straight to the point. That paper you have; I need it back. Now I let you come along with me to hunt for treasure but playtime's over now, this could get dangerous." --- "I beat you up didn't I?" --- "Touche. Let's roll; there's a piece on the counter if you need it." Kid or not I could use an extra pair of eyes; hell, just a pair for myself would've been better than nothing.

I was afraid of catching some unwanted company down river so it was decided to use a small raft to make our way to the treasure. I started inflating my dingy for a good thirty minutes until I remembered I was supposed to put air in the raft so I came and got to work. "Now look here boy, once we're in there we've only got about three minutes before the gestapo catches wind, maybe five if I can hold it in. Burritos we're a bad choice but it's too late for that now. Once I submerge, start counting. If I'm not back to the surface in ten minutes I want you to get the hell out of there, go back to my ship, and cause a diversion so I can save my ass. Don't worry, I'm about fifty-two percent sure they won't bludgeon your skullpiece. Okay?" --- "But I..." --- "Great, I'll see you soon!"

I dove into the water at full force. It was so dark and murky I had to rely on my sense of smell to get around. Bad move. My body floated back up."*cough* *cough* Evil Voodoo! *cough* *cough* I think I smelled too much water!" The incident stirred up much commotion and soon the authorities were on their way to the wall. "Well buddy, I guess this is it. I just want you to know that if you were my kid; which the jury's still out on that, I'd be pretty proud of the courage you've shown these last couple of days." His eyes welled up as if to say it meant a lot that I cared. Nobody ever gave me that kind of affection and in that moment it all became clear. I had thought of something I hadn't before! Maybe Christmas I thought, doesn't come from a whore. Maybe Christmas... perhaps... means a little bit more!

"Kid," I said. "I'm about to do something I should have done a long time ago." I gave him a hug and turned to the brigade of soldiers. And what happened then? Well, in Whoville they say that the pirate's small heart grew three sizes that day. And then the true meaning of Christmas came through, and the thief found the strength of ten pirates plus two. I pointed to the child and shouted, "The kid's the one you want! He's got Nazi gold in his trousers! Don't leave anything for the buzzards!" Then I ran like hell and jumped into the river.


...what will happen to the kid?
...does the Captain have the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile?
...does the water at the bottom of the ocean smell like dying?

Tune in next time for chapter twenty of Alfred Tabbs II: Electric Boogaloo

[Mave Datthews]

Damn, two stories at the same time? I don't think I'm ready for that jelly.

[JenLuvsDMB]

That was fantastic.

[alphatabs]

Chapter 20: The Ultimate Showdown (Part 1)

The shots echoing from above soon calmed as I made my way further down into the wall. The kid had to have been swiss chess by now and I felt somewhat responsible. Nothing I would loose sleep over but still, it was a damn shame. Well, maybe not a damn shame but you know. After swimming for a good three minutes I took a breather and suffocated for a second time. I'm telling you this swimming thing isn't as easy as they make it look on cartoons. When I emerged from the water I saw the boy just standing there. "Damn son! You slashed that whole army?" --- Then he pointed behind me, "Nope, he did." --- "Why, there's nothing back there but a goddamned iceber--rr---[SIZE="1"]shit[/SIZE]. Oh...umm, hey Snowman. How's it hanging?"

"Hello pirate!" said the Abominable Snowman. "I've come for my magic juice, where is it?" I turned around and fumbled into my pockets. "I've got it around here somewhere buddy of mine just wait a second." I grabbed an old Dixie cup and cranked one out in it. The snowman then lowered his hand as I hesitantly gave him the cup. He swallowed it down. Let me say that again for shock value, the Abominable Snowman put this seamen's semen in his mouth! I was probably about to be murdered but I still could not stop smiling. He wiped his mouth as it stretched from his chin and responded, "ACK! This tastes like horse piss!" It was over, I was a dead man.

"How would you know what horse piss tastes like?" I asked. At that point, the snowman became flustered and said, "uhh, I don't. I don't in fact...this is delicious magic juice! You do great work pirate!" --- "Yeah, the ladies love it...er uhh...the work I do that is." I was home free, that is until Santa showed up. The Snowman had a fit, "What is this?" He balled up his fist and sent it down hard on top of me. It was like getting hit with a snowball thrown by an infant. Common sense should have told me that this guy was just a walking pile of snow. Oh well, he kept throwing punches and complaining that nobody was paying any attention to him.

"He's gonna sleep good tonight." said Santa. "Speaking of which, I thought I buried you with the rest of your crew Tabbs." I removed the sword from my belt and unbuckled it; letting my firearms and pants drop to the ground. I tottered over to Santa Clause and thrust the sword into the ground between us. "There." I said. "That is the only thing standing between you and death. You made the biggest mistake of your life when you crossed paths with the greatest pirate in the world and then you messed with me and I got pretty pissed off too. Now I'm about to finish this tonight...right here...right...in.......this... oh my God... I stuck that sword right --in --my foot didn't I? Shit! Oh man that hurts big time. Ho boy...son --of --a --bitch. Sonofabitch. No-no-no don't pull it out it's just going to make it worse!"


...is this the end for Captain Tabbs?
...if he writes his name in the Abominable Snowman is that considered watersports?
...will he receive royalties from Dixie® brand disposable cups every time someone jacks off to this story?

Tune in next time for the not so thrilling conclusion of Alfred Tabbs II: Electric Boogaloo