Alfred Tabbs II

[alphatabs]

Chapter 5: The Berlin Wall is no Place for a Treasure

"We're getting the hell out of here and we're taking the treasure with us...man up!" Much like the hunter becomes the hunted, there in the middle of East Berlin was the battle of...well, East Berlin. Fuck me. In the end, all the brute force in Soviet Berlin just couldn't compete with the astounding manpower as Berlin took an inevitable fall to the Alpha Clan.

Diving into the barbwire trenches, I grabbed a nearby SKS and some ammo making a run to the river entrance. The sounds of war were all around me. "Feuer in die Gräben! Der fucking Pirat des Kolbens bildet ein excape! Feuer in die Gräben!" I arrived at an exit path where a scaffold hovering the water awaited my heroic cut scene. Needless to say I slipped, busting my mouth on one of the bars and landing two feet away from the river on an adjacent rock. "SUMINABITCH! SUM-IN-A-BITCH!" I cried as I was sure my back was broken. I fired into the air as to say; "Marco! MARCO!" Polo soon followed, partnered with gunfire and pissy pants.

I rolled off the rock; falling onto yet another rock, and finally into the river...which carried me into a brigade of rocks. If I had a camera I could have just sent it into America's Funniest Home Videos and said fuck the treasure. I had lost my breath and I couldn't feel my balls, they were somewhere in my stomach by now. There was no way in hell I could dive for the treasure in this shape, so while winning the battle I lost the war. The treasure would stay there as I loaded into the ship and we sailed away. "Damn that crotchsniffing Crotchinsneifer! I'll ef his ay soon enough!"


...what's to come for the group of pirates?
...was the crotchsniffing General Crotchinsneifer a crotchstuffer?
...would Bob Saget add a slide whistle effect when the Captain coasts through the river?

Tune in next time for chapter six of Alfred Tabbs II: Electric Boogaloo

[TripPin BilLie]

oh man you are a comical genius

[Mave Datthews]

Originally Posted by Hudak-Budak

The story of the guy losing his johnson brought a tear to my eye. The rest of the story brought a stiffness to my crotch.

The is an excitement in my pants as well.

[Hudak-Budak]

Like McDonalds, I'm lovin it.

[emsketch]

a master wordsmith

[alphatabs]

Chapter 6: Once, Twice, Three Times a Rimjob

Rumors had spread about what was of importance to the treasure. Some thought it contained the buried remains of the real Michael Jackson himself, others thought it housed a used dinosaur condom containing the only known traces of T-Rex spooge. One man knew I was sure of, but he had been dead for years, god bless his harpooned soul. I would have known too if I weren't such douchebag, like the time I pretended to really be a douchebag. Bloodiest day of my life I tell ya. I was a nervous wreck at this point as I sat in my quarters swinging a sackful of nickels at unsuspecting rodents and the like. Family was never a top priority for me, I should have made it so but I was too busy coldcocking old ladies for their false teeth. I had quite a collection too! But all the fixodent in the world couldn't seal the dentured bond that was the Tabbs Dynasty.

"Captain Tabbs, jolly roger to the northeast and approaching. Awaiting orders commissar." By that point I was taint deep in a daydream about swimming in teeth and it got my oddly hard. "Commissar, we need an order fast." I didn't know why that stupid Russian called me commissar all the time for, it made me sound like a damn commi, which I was. "Uh, jackass...my name isn't commissar, if you have something to say to me you can call me by my real name!" Fucking dimwit. "Sir, we're taking on water here, we need a command fast" --- "My name isn't sir, it's Captain." --- "Captain! Order!" --- "It's Captain Alfred jackass." --- "Riley just got his dick cut off!" --- "Quit trying to change the subject you drone!" --- "Captain Please! AHHHH! Sweet sassy molassy and a side of shit!" --- "Now say pretty please with sugar on top!" --- "..." --- "Where's the sugar!?!" --- "..." --- "Rush-wad...rush-wad!?! Where's my sugar on top!?! Great now I've got to get out of this chair, come up there and beat... yaw... ass!"

I then proceeded to undo my belt for a piss inducing ass-whooping but wouldn't you know it, I got my face knocked in by the broadside of a 2X4!" I myself am partial to morning wood but this was ridiculous! When I woke up I was stripped nude and hogtied to a king size bed, then I fell back asleep and woke up later in the brig. "Okay, which one of you gay fuckers REAMED my asshole!?!" As I shouted my eyes glared past a cell with two of the hottest bitches you ever did see starring daggers into my eyes in their fit of shock. "I mean uh...not that they did. Or ah...anything, I don't swing that way...I'm not that way! Umm...baseball, cold beer and vaginal sex...girl! I want to uh...rock your body and shit!" I was unaware of what was going on, but one thing was for certain; I wouldn't be hittin' that anytime soon...


...will the Captain ever retrieve the treasure?
...had his booty been plundered? Twice?
...At the same time?

Tune in next time for chapter seven of Alfred Tabbs II: Electric Boogaloo

[saygdbye4134]

Alph, your writing style is simply what dreams are made of. mine at least. especially the wet ones.

[TwoSteppingAnts]

i love you alpha.

[Pengin4192]

Originally Posted by alphatabs

I had quite a collection too! But all the fixodent in the world couldn't seal the dentured bond that was the Tabbs Dynasty.

[alphatabs]

Chapter 7: Lemon Icee Sasquatch

I spent three days in that cell, which was plenty of time for me to reflect on things...plus I got my dick sucked twice so that's not too shabby. I was upset about what had happened to my crew; well not actually upset about it but upset at the fact I wasn't up there to see it. Damn did it sound tight, like a fucking ninja on a lawnmower going through a crowd of crippled potheads.

The night guard was dozing off by this time and I had an idea. I caught a woman's attention with my dong; prior to me having an idea. "Hey;" I whispered, "slide me a bobby pen, I'm gonna get us outta here." With a flick of the wrist, the lice-ridden pen glided across the floor and into my hand. I bent it ever so carefully as to not damage it's aerodynamics. I then chucked it at the guard, "HEY! THIS BITCH JUST GAVE ME A BOBBY PEN TO ESCAPE! WHOOP HER ASS SON!" The guard then proceeded to raise his nightstick as he beat the ever-loving crap out of that poor woman, which at that point I used a bobby pen of my own to pick the lock. What can I say, a pirate is only as badass as his hair.

I made a run for the hallway and up to the deck. I was almost home free. Running through the night air it finally hit me, all negative 30 degrees of it. We had to have been somewhere in the middle of the arctic. I stopped myself mid-jump from plummeting into my icy grave. I turned around in shock and as I live and breath, there he was; the fucking abominable snowman. As dwarfed as I was, I stood tall and approached him face to toenail. "Listen here you goddamned sasqua..." I said as I looked up, poking my eye on his tasty iceprick. He was the size of a chode and twice the length. The beast picked me up by his bear hands...and I literally mean this. The mother fucker had BEAR hands. With a loud chuckle he responded; "BWA-HA-HA! This one is jumpy; no? He will be the one! He will be the one to deliver the shot heard round the world!" I was too busy making a snow cone out of his ice claw; which might I add turned out yellow. It was obvious to me that together, our pure evil could take over the seas. Also, he didn't wash his hands after pissing. Ain't no damned lemon snow cones...


...what does the manbeast have in store for the manchild?
...can two obviously retarded jackasses co-exist to become one questionably retarded jackass?
...Jesus is pretty amazing isn't he?

Tune in next time for chapter eight of Alfred Tabbs II: Electric Boogaloo

[41ravens]

always a delight, alpha.

[Red_41]

I'm beginning to have Assterpiece withdrawal symptoms ... this can't be good.

[Prez]

Originally Posted by Red_41

I'm beginning to have Assterpiece withdrawal symptoms ... this can't be good.

Any ideas where our Pirate friend has been?

[Red_41]

I think his quest has taken him deep into uncharter waters on a faraway ocean. We can only pray that he returns safely so as to tell us about his journeys.

[Prez]

Originally Posted by Red_41

I think his quest has taken him deep into uncharter waters on a faraway ocean. We can only pray that he returns safely so as to tell us about his journeys.

Too bad he cant get wireless way out there, I sure done miss em.

[il bacio dolce]

Good stuff.

[alphatabs]

Chapter 8: A Oath Signed in Corn

Although I still couldn't sit down on account of the ass reaming, I decided to compose myself in the most comfortable way possible...naked, ass-backwards in a giant pile of creamed corn. "Ummm, we were kinda gonna eat that but okay;" said the snowman. It got kinda awkward for a while there, and it was subfreezing outside so my nipples were about the length of an unsharpened #2 pencil, but I could sense something. I looked into the beast's eyes and I could tell he had some diabolical plan in store for me. I emerged from the corn -- slipped, emerged again -- and approached him, "look, if this is about sex then I'm sorry but I don't do that gig anymore; it got kinda free-ky if you know what I mean."

He stood with a puzzled look on his face as to say, 'someone make sure this dude gets a room with a lock on it'. Then things got even more awkward, "Okay, I'm sorry I said that. How 'bout we just start over and forget this whole thing ever happened, my name is Captain Alfred Tabbs the Third; you know, that dude that put his junk in your corn." At that point two men started laughing, one gave me a look of disbelief, and the other mouthed something along the lines of 'Jesus Christ'. "Ach-hem!" the beast coughed, "Anywayyy; pirate, today is your lucky day. I have a business proposition for you, and in return for your cooperation, you will be rewarded by getting to see another day."

"I've got to be honest snowman;" I winked, "your deal doesn't sound too great, and with this one eye I can only really see about a half a day anyhow. Even then it consists of cheap booze and scrambled porn. If you can get me some skin flicks on pay-per-view, I'll hear you out, and some creamed corn would only sweeten the pot." The giant figure pondered for a moment; looked at me, and said, "if you ever wink at me again I'll rip your balls off through your pinkynail. But okay, I'll get you some pay-per-view, and you can keep your damned creamed corn which I'm sure is literally creamed corn by now you sick fucker. Now listen, Santa Claus is..." -- "Santa Claus! I interrupted as the screen went all letterboxed with a close-up of my eyes." I said. -- "Wait;" said the snowman, "did you just dictate your own actio...ugh, never mind. I want you to kidnap Saint Nicholas and return him to me so that I may take over the world --- a little! MUAHAHAHA! MUAHAHAHA!" It was brilliant, it was ingenious, it was evil. Evil enough for the world's greatest; and hottest, pirate! "So let me get this straight, you want me to infiltrate the fortress of Father Christmas - piss on his snow - bang his 90 year old wife - ride his reindeer off a cliff - sneak up on him, and slit his mother fucking throat from ear-to-ear all execution style and shit?"

"---"

"Dear God no, just...just bring him to me please." ---

"Can I at least kill a cat on the way there?" ---

"Fine!?!" ---

"Then that settles it," I walked over to the Yetti's desk and grabbed my holster and my sword; "I kill a mystic for fun, but for a green card, I gonna carve him up real nice." ---

"For the last time, I want him alive goddammit! And what the fuck is this about a green card? You're a damn weirdo and that's comming from an abominable snowman!" --- The agreement was then signed in blood; my pen was out of ink, and I was on my way to SantaCorp Industries. This time, it was personal...


...can Alfred Tabbs save his own ass?
...will the Abominable Snowman donate the pile of creamed creamed corn to an old folks home?
...is there a pill you can take for Assterpiece Withdrawal?

Tune in next time for chapter nine of Alfred Tabbs II: Electric Boogaloo

[Red_41]

You had me at "Although" .....





















Except I could've done without the "feline murder" reference.

[alphatabs]

Originally Posted by Red_41

You had me at "Although" .....
Except I could've done without the "feline murder" reference.

Don't worry, no kittens were murdered in the making of this story. The only cats in the arctic are snow lions, once I found that out I quit being a big man.

[Red_41]

Excellent ... Please carry on.

[Red_41]

Did I mention we've missed these chapters?

[alphatabs]

Chapter 9: How the Wench Stole Christmas

The Abominable One invited me into his quarters for a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos to which I jubilantly accepted. Now let me tell you something about this guy, he had it made. A class act all the way. You know how rich snobby guys have life size chess boards? Well this mother fucker had a life size Hungry Hungry Hippos board! There was hippo shit and busted dodgeballs everywhere! The man knew how to run a ship and I can appreciate that having owned; well borrowed, many. We were having so much fun until the ship had come to a stop right around the North Pole. The tension was mounting as well was the dog. After he was done making a mess of my leg I turned to the snowman, "Just so you know AB, I'm nobody's bitch. If they pay me good money for the hour I might be but not on these terms goddammit. I would ex Saint Nick with or without you breathing down my neck and you know it."

The abominable turned and smiled, reaching for his barrel of rum from which he sipped. I wish I would have known he was drinking out of that or I wouldn't have taken a shit in it. "I know that Alfie, that's why I picked you to do this for me. I'm quite aware of the bad blood you shed for Saint Nick and in due time you'll be free of it and back to plundering Asian bathhouses. Now pick up your rifle and fulfill your duties to me." Then as I was leaving he reminded me that if I fail he would make orphans of my children. Jokes on him though, all my illegitimate children are already orphans!

How exciting this was for me. My heart was beating faster than Jakko at a drive-in showing of The Sandlot. Santa had this a long time coming and when I found him I would be sure to deck his balls with fists of fury. Fa-la-la-la-la--la-la--la fuck you Santa. You see, there are many fallacious rumors about Santa. Almost as many as fellatio rumors about him. I mean what can I say; the man can throat a yule log and roast your chestnuts at the same time, but that's neither here nor there. What I'm talking about is the story of Santa Clause they don't teach you at the Christian Academy for Gay-Ass Choir Boys. I'm talking about the night Santa Clause stole Christmas! err...I mean 'my shit.'

It all happened two years ago on a foggy winter night. It was the first of the month and ol' Saint Nick hadn't paid his rent. His landlord; Jesus, told him that if the money didn't come up he would break poor Santa's dickhead and he'd never get any elf pussy again. Well I'll tell ya, Kringle didn't like the sounds of that and was about to do something about it. So he waited. He waited and he and watched as one by one the little elves left their little workshop to go to their little elf homes and bang their little elf bitches in their little elf fannies. Once everyone left, Santa crept ever so quietly towards the workshop and with the slightest of sound, he chucked a cinderblock into the window and broke in.

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant. Around the whole room, and he took every present! Pop Guns! And Bicycles! Rollerskates! Drums! Checkerboards! Tricycles! Popcorn! My Rum! And he stuffed them in bags. Then ol' Saint Nick, with such self control, stuffed all the bags, one by one, up his asshole! Then he slunk to the ice box. He took the elves' feast. He took some elf pussy, while she was asleep! He emptied the ice box and leaped for the stash. Why, ol' Nick even took the last ounce of brown hash. And then he heard sirens as he put up his dick, so he smoked all the hash and he smoked it up quick! Then he ran out of the workshop and headed for Willie's Pawn on 4th street. Yes that's right ladies and gentlemen, Santa Clause pawned all the little children's toys. He pawned little Stacy's Hip-A-Dee horse. He pawned little Anthony's easy bake oven; the kid was a fruit. He even pawned little Champagne's anal beads!

But this left Santa in quite the quandary. Having saved his piss pump from certain decapitation, he still didn't have any toys to give the children! So he thought, 'I shall take from a pirate, as they take from another. I shall take all his shit and have sex with his mother! HO-HO-HO!' With the snap of his fingers he boarded my ship, slipped in my seamen and broken his hip. 'If it isn't Saint Nick.' I said without warning, my dick still half mast from me being so horny. But Santa was quick having grabbed my Nintendo, he limped his way out with a dash for the window. I never did catch him that fact is for certain, but Santa's been long overdue for a hurtin'. The second I catch him I'll fuck up that cunt, then take back my zapper and play some Duck Hunt!

...will Tabbs seek revenge like he said in his rhyming?
...will rappers amaze at his wonderful timing?
...can we cut out all the poetry shit? Please!?!

Tune in next time for chapter ten of Alfred Tabbs II: Electric Boogaloo

[saygdbye4134]

Originally Posted by alphatabs

Chapter 9: How the Wench Stole Christmas

The Abominable One invited me into his quarters for a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos to which I jubilantly accepted.

the first line got me instantly.

[TempHelpNeeded]

Another lively chapter in what is to be the next bible. Yes, people...you heard it right. Da Vinci Code ain't got shit on this either!

[Tomriddle]

to all of it

[alphatabs]

Chapter 10: Santa Clause is a Chronic Masterbator

I was three days into the expedition. Every time I took a step it felt like walking on broken eGGSheLLS. I made a note of this on my calculator as I marched forth. No matter how much the pain, each step brought me closer to sweet revenge; except the ten hours I spent backtracking on account of my compass pointing south. Damn magnetic north! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell! I was losing all sense of direction out there and time was of the essence. When I had to shit, I shat. When I had to piss, I passed. When I needed food, I'd club baby penguins to death with a golfclub. When I got bored, I'd club baby penguins to death with a golfclub. Que Será Será. Things got really bad though, as I was in an advanced stage of hypothermic diarrhea and down to a 3 wood. I had given up hope and collapsed in the snow. Luckily for me I was not in Davy Jones' territory, therefore I got to deal with Satan instead.

"Yo Lucifer;" I shouted, "long time no see man!" He turned around slowly in disbelief, "Captain Fucking Tabbs! Oh my Satan as I die and choke, what in the here are you doing here?" I told him about the predicament over a cup of surprisingly luke warm coffee and he replied, "I'd love to help you out man, but my old man says I can't do you anymore favors. I can let you talk to Saint Peter but I don't know what good that's gonna do you. I'll be praying for you though." It worked like a charm. As my soul floated from hell up to heaven I grabbed my body's leg and pulled it up with me. From there I could see the North Pole and all it's glory as I chucked my body towards Santa's workshop. When I got up there Peter had a look of amazement on his face, "Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, damn you to hell! Haha -- you've still got it Captain, that's why I'll be glad when Davy Jones gets his hands on your ass!" -- "If Davy Jones got his hands on my ass he wouldn't know where to stick it. Besides, your boss still owes me for those hookers in Istanbul so I think we're about even. Til next time brotha!" We did the secret heaven handshake; the finger macarena with a butt tap finish, and with that I regained consciousness.

For the next two days, I was on Santa Recon. Breaking into Santa's secret workshop was going to be no easy task for a daring; sexy mother fucker like myself. Then I gotta get all greased up and slide through chimneys, man it got me hot just thinking about it. I composed myself however and stood watch. Some of the Intel I gathered was essential for my plan of attack; for instance, did you know Santa Clause is a chronic masturbator? Every hour on the hour Santa would go into this small bedroom and look at computer pornography. You have to keep in mind though that this was 1989 so he had to be the most twisted old pervert in town with his 12 megabytes of pure unadulterated 16-color pornography. It got old fast, I wanted to just take him out and get it over with but there's something about being dead with your dick in your hand that is unsettling to me.


...will Captain Tabbs be able to infiltrate Santa's Workshop?
...did Santa just give me a salt flavored snowcone?
...does Saint Peter have that fiddy he owes me?

Tune in next time for chapter eleven of Alfred Tabbs II: Electric Boogaloo

[JenLuvsDMB]

Alpha. How I love thee.

[saygdbye4134]

Originally Posted by JenLuvsDMB

Alpha. How I love thee.

i know a few people that could say the same about you.

[alphatabs]

Chapter 11: Bacon Aside, This is the Best Damn Sandwich I've Ever Had.

As day broke, all of the workshop elves made their way into the compound and I was able to sneak in with them. It was easy really, I just said I was 'Smashy the Don't Question Me Dwarf' and they didn't have a problem with it. Santa's house was made of gumdrops and gingerbread. Apparently there was a shortage of wood, then I realized Santa was smuggling it in his pants. I peaked into the window and saw the fat man there; in all his glory, playing Oregon Trail and getting off on it. The whole thing was so disgusting yet I couldn't turn away. He would crank every time someone died of dysentery and would keep mumbling stuff under his breath.

I half expected to be at the wrong house but I knocked on the window anyway. He didn't respond. So I let myself in and ran my hand across his eyes. Nothing. He just sat there as his penis dry heaved over and over again. I knew that couldn't be healthy so I turned off the monitor. Then, all of a sudden he awoke from his tainted state and had me by the neck, "You better watch out, you better squeeze tight, you better have lube I'm telling you why. Santa Clause is fucking your ass!" AHHH! He began to unbuckle my belt in a blind rage, shattering it into pieces. I was pissed too because it was a New Kids on the Block original with the Donnie and Jordan snaps. I pushed him off and pulled my sword, "look here Superman or whatever the hell your name is, I haven't killed since part one and I'm getting the itch. Not the killing itch but the genital one, this room is riddled with crabs. Now calm down."

Santa became confused and afraid. He looked up at me and said, "I'm truly sorry for the burden, here's some cream to rid your vermin." I excused myself to his bathroom to apply the topical as I crossed eye with Mrs. Clause. Damn she was fine. I wanted to take her like a candycane and lick her from head to toe, then snap her in half and get candy splinters all in my tounge. Candy splinters of passion that is. She was wearing a fluffy white tanktop and a pair of cut off panties. Not a G-String, but cut off panties! I struggled to make words, "excuse me -- um -- could I ah -- I mean you um --- show me where the bathroom is?" She walked over to me and put her mouth to my ear. As she inhaled to speak her bountiful bosom hit me in the face; "you're pointin' at it honey." I looked down. Not only was I pointing at the bathroom door but I had ruined it as well. There was a long awkward pause... in which I came again... and a thrice time. I then took a seat and attempted to break the silence, "so --- you and Mr. Clause must be --- very ---" She wrapped her leg around my own and began grinding into my side. I then proceeded to make sweet, sweet love to her on the very table that she ate and had sex on. My stocking was hung in her chimney with care and she took it like a trooper! Afterwards, we split a bowl of cereal and I went outside for a cigarette. I took a bite of their house too, it was scrumdiddilyumptious!


...can Tabbs focus on the job at hand?
...will a spell checker pick up on 'scrumdiddilyumptious'?
...how long will the Captain have to cool off before he can piss right again?

Tune in next time for chapter twelve of Alfred Tabbs II: Electric Boogaloo

[TempHelpNeeded]

But....but, but, butt, butt!!! SANTA CLAUSE?!?!