Alfred Tabbs II

[Koreelove]

[alphatabs]

Chapter 21: The Ultimate Showdown (Part 2)

The chuckling Santa Clause pulled out the toughest looking sword I'd ever seen. "You see this?" he asked. "It's the fucking Highlander. You don't mess with the fucking Highlander Tabbs. Look at your sword, all rusty and dull. I aughta just let you stay as is and die of tetanus, but where is the fun in that eh?" He jerked back with it and swung sternly at my throat. "SAY GOODBYE TABBS!" --- "Goodbye Tabbs!" I uprooted the sword from my boot, ducking his swing and giving him a blunt thrust to the groin with the broad side. "Now get bucknaked Santa so I can grab them duckets. You won't be needing them where you're going, straight to jail!" --- "Jail?" --- "*cough* Oh I'm sorry I meant Hell. I'm always doing that shit. Heh. Now get up and walk the plank." --- "What plank?" --- "My dick! Get up and suck my dick bitch, it's a euphemism!"

Oh man was it good. Don't be saying that's gay either because you know if you could have Santa Clause slob your knob you would. That's like saying you wouldn't double penetrate the tooth fairy because your swords might cross. LIARS! In all the excitement I forgot about the kid so I turned to find him. "Captain! Up here!" Rang a voice from off in the distance. It was him, with Davy Jones clutching at his arm. "I think I found ye soul and it's high time I collect on...um...[SIZE="1"]ee[/SIZE]. Ye? No it's ee. Definitely ee." --- "Let him go Davy," I pleaded. "this has nothing to do with the boy! This is between you and me!" He pulled out the piece of paper and read it aloud,

"I Alfred Tabbs the Third hearby give my soul to some kid on December 25, 1989. Three cups oats, combine in large bowl, naked lady, naked lady, naked lady, oh man I'm going to bang me some naked ladies. -- Yep, 'tis all there on paper and more I could've done without. I'll be taking that soul now Captain." --- "Over my dead body!"

"YAR, that be the plan." --- "WAIT!" screamed the kid. "He gave it to me, it's mine and you can't have it!" The disgruntled swashbuckler licked his gums and said, "I guess I'll be gettin' two for one then! AHOY!" Davy Jones rose his dagger high into the air.

"Into thine locker I send Captain Alfred Tabbs for treason against thine oath and all nine of thine articles for which he swore to on crossed pistols! May his soul rest in the torturous pit which is pirate hell and may his body be raped by necrophilic vampires! YO HO!"

Just as he thrust the dagger down a miracle happened! Jesus pulled up in his El Dorado and stopped the wretched ceremony from going forward. "What is this!" he demanded. "A pirate ceremony on a Christian son? Have you lost your mind Davy?" --- "But I-" --- "No butts mister. Now you march right back down into pirate hell and leave this sweet child of mine alone!" --- "Well can I at least keep the pir-" --- "I SAID NOW GODDAMMIT!" --- "Uhh! Yes sir." Jesus had saved the day.

"Thank you Jesus," I said. "I know I'm not the greatest person in the world. I drink, swear, pillage, sleep around, and even through all this you were still there for me? Why?" Jesus straightened his robe, rolled his eyes and replied, "Hell if I know dude. Now if you'll excuse me I'm riding a pretty good buzz here. Fishbone's playing in Philly, I'm probably gonna hit that up...see if I can't get some pu-na-nai. Take it sleazy chief...oh yeah I almost forgot. Santa I damn you to hell." And in a scene of fiery torture Santa was dragged into the pits of hell at taxpayer's expense. Jesus hopped in his car and drove off only to stop by me. He rolled the window down about halfway and said, "Sorry man, fuckin' windows off the track again. Anyway, we're gonna need a new Santa Clause. You straight to fly? It's a one night a year gig dude. Smokin' wife, cookies, what do you say?" Wow. My day long dream had finally come true.

I accepted the offer and as my first order of business I returned the Nintendo back to it's rightful owner; the kid. "I'm sorry." I said. "You know, I've been pillaging people's booty my whole life but I never realized just how terrible of a thing it was until I met you." I reached into the Santa bag and handed it to him. "Does that mean you're not a pirate anymore?" --- "I don't know about that!" I said, jerking the Nintendo right out of his hands again. We both stood in silence at the river, it had changed so much since I was a kid. "What about your family's treasure?" he asked. "Shouldn't you go get it?"

"I suppose not kid. Some things are best left unknown." --- "You don't know how to swim do you?" --- "Bingo. Now let's go find a television so I can beat your ass in some Blaster Master!" --- "But that's a one player game!" --- "...Fuck you kid." And with that we were off in my new sleigh. "Yar-har-har! Merry Christmas!" And everyone lived happily ever after!


[SIZE="1"]...except Santa Clause, the Abominable Snowman, my crew, thousands of German infantry and I'm pretty sure that preggo chick had a miscarriage. Oh and General Crotchinstuffer was probably a child molester so fuck him too.[/SIZE]


[SIZE="3"]

The End

[/SIZE]

[Koreelove]

Aww Tabbs, that was a wonderful story! I find it outstanding and extremely creative how you pull all of these fictional characters and make a tall tale for everyone. I appriciate your entertainment and I hope to see more of that soon. I especially love the the questions at the end of the chapters, that you never truley answer in the next chapter. Thank you for the smile and for being my escape here at work for the last few days.

[JenLuvsDMB]

Tabbs, you fucking rock.

[Mave Datthews]

It's over?!

Fantastic tale though, Tabbs!! When's it coming out in hardcover?!

[Prez]

Where has our Tabs been? Anyone know?

[devilandthelord]

I've heard of many pirate attacks in the Mediterranean recently.

[SoRight24]

I miss the sneak attacks on DMBc.

:alpha

[Prez]

Whenever you look at his profile, it says his last date visited is NA or something like that.

Does this mean he got teh ban or something?

[SoRight24]

His last post was on April 4th.

[Resatka]

Bump.

[Bohrman26]

Smarkle!!

[SqueeBaBooSquee]

omg thisthreadismoney

I've only read half the first page and I've already lol'd my lol'er off. Gon have to cum back 2marra.

[alphatabs]

what is this i don't even

[Miyamoto]

What the hell. You stole Maddox's picture for your avatar? Creative.

[Tiduwho]

Originally Posted by alphatabs

what is this i don't even

Originally Posted by Miyamoto

What the hell. You stole Maddox's picture for your avatar? Creative.

Is this our answer?

[alphatabs]

Originally Posted by Miyamoto

What the hell. You stole Maddox's picture for your avatar? Creative.

Precocious little scamp ain't I?

[smudge1]

What the hell?

[TempHelpNeeded]

Tabs...weather seems right. What'daya say?

[TempHelpNeeded]

Paging Tabs!

[TempHelpNeeded]

Holy Davy Jones' locker! It's been since pre-pandemic since we've raised the sails?