Alfred Tabbs II

[alphatabs]

[SIZE=4]

Electric Boogaloo

[/SIZE]

Chapter 1: Present the Past

The year was 1989. Americans were familiarizing themselves with a nerdy little fellow known as Steven Q. Urkle and Bobby McFerrin was in the midst of creating a demon that would haunt plastic bass fish ordainments for the years to come. But most importantly, Exxon Valdez took a massive shit on us pirates and I was stuck at Tiananmen Square. It couldn't have come at a worst time either. Technology had been taking over tenfold when it came to the waters, and the modern day "pirate" was evolving into something greater than itself. We were in the midst of a massive arms race. Plus I had to take a deuce, so it wasn't fun.

The Square wasn't so bad, I really had no other place to go as I was wanted by the US Coast Guard for some trouble I stirred up on Ellis Island...nobody told me they changed the meaning of "Roman Candle." Poor fireworks salesmen...I had no idea there was such a thing as "fourth" degree burns. It was pretty hilarious though. Pretty fucking hilarious even. In 1989, utter chaos was rampid though out the entire world, but everyone was too naive to notice; everyone but us pirate's that is. Bad shit was going down; and I'm not talking about that burrito you ate at two in the morning, I'm talking about guns, sex and drugs.

Papa didn't raise no fool, but when you're knee deep in trouble even old Captain Tabs has to resort to some cold shit. I'll be honest, I was at Tiananmen Square for a reason. For one, I thought it'd be funny to push this jerk into a line of tanks, and secondly I wanted to grab some pussy. Oh shut the fuck up, I told you that story so I could tell you this story. In 1982 I worked in pornography as a female fluffer, why? Because it's damn hard for a man to fake an orgasm... something about a turkey baster and the lighting I imagine. Okay, I didn't HAVE to give you that whole setup for you to understand the fluffer thing but that's pretty kickass right? Okay, okay, okay....skip ahead to 1989 again...wait a minute go back to 1972, check out this honey I boned! I was like one and I did it with my leg! Now where were we? Oh yeah, 1989.

I was slowly making my way through Asia by magic carpet; yes they exist, until I ran out of magic juice or "ejaculate" as it's known in America. I floated gracefully towards the ground until I wandered over a Berlin border patrol, where I was then shot on-site. I fell for a good two or three minutes, I knew this because I counted. What the hell else am I gonna do floating through the atmosphere? Play a round of golf? Thank Neptune's ballsack I landed in the Havel river, which was not deep enough to stop the fall but indeed deep enough to drown me in my fit of unconsciousness. The guards left me there to die, but much to their surprise I arose out of the water thirty minutes later staggered and a little pissed on. They ran out of the tower in utter shock towards what should have been a battered and drown-eded man. Battered I was, drown-eded I was not...


...how did Captain Tabs survive underwater?
...what will the guards do with the Captain?
...wasn't that whole Stefan shit the downfall of Family Matters?

Tune in next time for chapter two of Alfred Tabbs II: Electric Boogaloo

[Mave Datthews]

OH SNAP!!!

*reading...*

[blueflame529]

you're crazy man keep it coming....

[Red_41]

.... Oh how I've been waiting for this!

[Mave Datthews]

Originally Posted by alphatabs

Okay, okay, okay....skip ahead to 1989 again...wait a minute go back to 1972, check out this honey I boned! I was like one and I did it with my leg! Now where were we? Oh yeah, 1989.

Oh, my... you've done it again, my friend.

[TripPin BilLie]

oh my god

[Hudak-Budak]

I can't wait for the second installment. I've always wanted to be a writer, but I know with you churning this stuff out, it's pointless for me to even try.

[Pengin4192]

Thank You!

[skywalker_009]

tabs... its good to have you back ...

[gbs3769]

I (heart) you.

- Primo

[Red_41]

Oh dear lord, please hurry ... the suspense is killing me!

[WolfmanDMB]

whew! at first i thought he had procreated. im relieved to see its another story.

[skywalker_009]

Originally Posted by WolfmanDMB

whew! at first i thought he had procreated. im relieved to see its another story.

[cbsauder]

AHHHHHHHHH. i never read part 1!!!! is it ok to start here?

[skywalker_009]

Originally Posted by cbsauder

AHHHHHHHHH. i never read part 1!!!! is it ok to start here?

no... if you havent read part one... go now...

[cbsauder]

i really don't know how i missed it.

[Red_41]

I think Part I was Assterpiece Theatre ... So Electric Boogaloo is Part II ... Right Tabster?

[alphatabs]

Chapter 2: Race for the Prize

I approached the guards slowly not knowing what my next move would be. "What seems to be the problem bitches?" At that point I slipped across the smaller guard's left side, swiping the Walther P-38 from it's holster and shoving it right into his anus; "I swear to God you take one more step and I'll donkey punch him while I'm at it, now back the hell up." Not understanding English the guard rode the barrel like a supermarket pony and I freaked out, stumbling backwards into barbed wire fencing.

When I woke up I was in a German infirmary being treated for a gunshot wound. The intercom sounded asking for the sodomizing pirate to report to the main corridor for questioning. I limped my way to the front desk, "excuse me madam, could you tell me where the main corridor is?" She was at least a D cup and could chow down on my frankfurter any day. Looking up at me with those big blue eyes she said, "HINUTER DIE HALLE UND RECHTS! HINUTER DIE HALLE UND RECHTS!" At that point my colostomy bag exploded and I tripped in the puddle of blood and urine. "Damn bitch, I'm just gonna go out and have a smoke, ya?" I was shaking like a baby on a roller coaster with typhoid being taken care of by a British nanny, I had to get out of there.

I turned to run and as I did a passing Volkswagen smashed into me and through me over the top and onto another passing Volkswagen. Damn Germans and their Nazimobiles. I guess he didn't notice cause he just kept on trucking. I was holding on to the top of that bad boy as we hurdled down the autobahn, German police following shortly. I took out the revolver and held it up to the window, "you just keep on driving if you know what's good for you." Needless to say, the driver slammed on the brakes at 110 MPH and through me a good 50 yards onto the blacktop.

I gotta hand it to the driver, it was a pretty slick move that nearly cost us all our lives. German patrol cars were tumbling into each other in a desperate attempt to avoid the accident. All I could see was the sky, and my leg too. It was in my ass. I removed it swiftly and began on foot down the chaotic stretch of road looking for a car that hadn't been in the Nazi Yahtzee...


...will the Captain finally evade the officers?
...did he use the phrase "sodomizing" in a blatant attempt to hide the term "butt pirate?"
...can David Hasselhoff save the day?

Tune in next time for chapter three of Alfred Tabbs II: Electric Boogaloo

[skywalker_009]

Originally Posted by alphatabs

I was shaking like a baby on a roller coaster with typhoid being taken care of by a British nanny, I had to get out of there.

i love you... and the butt pirate thing... you are my god ...

[Prez]

Oh shut the fuck up, I told you that story so I could tell you this story. In 1982 I worked in pornography as a female fluffer, why? Because it's damn hard for a man to fake an orgasm

[Red_41]

[alphatabs]

Chapter 3: The Great Tabbs Dynasty

I was taken into custody where I was then searched and questioned. They confiscated one patch, two googly-eyed walnuts, a magazine entitled "Hairy Backyards Monthly" and a six-pack of Jolt Cola. "That was quite a performance you put on out there Alfred, from what I've heard it was nothing short of unbelievable...in fact, they tell me that you survived underwater for a good half an hour before coming up. But me, I'm not impressed with your stamina sir," said the tall ominous soldier. "That's not what your mamma said last night bitch," I responded. "Oh, so we are going to play games are we;" he spoke, "well sir, I'm not much for beating around the bush." "That's not what your mamma said last night bitch," I responded. "I'm not fucking with you boy," the soldier was becoming annoyed. "That's not what your mamma said last night bitch," I responded.

The angry official reached for his stunstick, raised it high, and struck downward...missing me by at least two feet and stumbling into a pile of oven pots. "Damn bitch, who taught you to swing that thing? Sammy Davis Jr?" Me and the other guards had a good laugh. He then became irate and struck me with a pan he picked up, it was like some shit out of Tom and Jerry. In fact, I got one of those huge cartoon boners on my skullpeice and birds started circling it. Trying to wack it off no doubt. I felt a flashback coming on as I rubbed my then absent beard...

It was a foggy night in the middle of the Havel River. I was about ten in years...and length. And the girth...get outta here! It was like a retractable pringles can! "Alfie my boy, come here son I want to tell you something." These were the words of the great Alfred Tabbs II, the most grizzled and badass pirate this side of the world and beyond. As his first mate, it was my duty to make sure everything stayed in tip-top shape, and also to scotch guard the pornography. "Son, it's important that you listen to what I'm about to say, for you are the only one that I'm going to say it to. The legacy of the Great Tabbs Dynasty may one day depend on it..." Then he went on about something, I wasn't really listening. Something about knocking on doors and waiting for someone...I was watching Three's Company so it was really in and out of my mind. So I nodded politely and we got down to business.

In 1983, the Berlin Wall was anything but penetrable. Anywhere man could cross, the wall was there to make a statement. That statement; "I will skull fuck your ass if you screw with me." Well these two pirates were gonna screw...wait, that came out ALL wrong. Riding my father, I was going to go down...all the way down. Yeah...that's better. "Hold on tight Alfie and when I say the word, you hold your breath." Gripping tightly, we plundered down two hundred yards of machine manufactured wall. Packed tight into the bottom of the wall, the Great Tabbs Treasure was then buried. The origins of the treasure were only know by my father, and Colonel Sanders...but the Colonel suffered a chicken induced dick exlposion that in turn ruptured his brain...thus causing his painful and sticky demise. With the treasure safe for another day, father and son sailed off into the distance.

"Rise and shine you Moroccan piece of shit!" Ah...there's nothing like starting your day off with a steel-toed boot to the gooch. Well, maybe a some stilettos to the ol' babymakers...


...will the outnumbered and obviously sexy Captain give in?
...can't Jolt Cola double as paint thinner?
...is that what your mamma said last night, bitch?

Tune in next time for chapter four of Alfred Tabbs II: Electric Boogaloo

[Hudak-Budak]

Pure brilliance.

[nonewdirections]

Originally Posted by alphatabs

I was about ten in years...and length. And the girth...get outta here! It was like a retractable pringles can!

I hardly ever read these whole things, but sometimes just a sentence or two really sticks out (as it were).

[Red_41]

Originally Posted by nonewdirections

I hardly ever read these whole things, but sometimes just a sentence or two really sticks out (as it were).

You read my mind!

I was about ten in years...and length. And the girth...get outta here!

Alfred is my hero.

[Pengin4192]

Genius

[alphatabs]

Chapter 4: Disco Biscuits

Some of us are descendant of royalty. Some of us are descendant of warriors. Hell, there are even some of us descendant of incestuous uncles, God bless their web footed toes. But me, I was descendant of a thief. And he too was descendant of a thief. And that thief, well he was descendant of a male prostitute...but the prostitute was descended by...you guessed it, a thief. Then there was a big gap where everyone went around fucking each other so it got pretty sketchy.

"Captain Alfred Tabbs the Third, I present to you the honorable Lukas P. Crochinsneifer the Third;" the guards slowly left the room as a man with an enormous boner entered the room. Almost sure I was about to become someone's butt pirate, I spoke; "look General Crochinstuffer, I don't know what your intentions are with that hazardous bone-zone, but I don't mean you any harm here, I just want to get this straitened out and leave." But from the looks of things, his junk was strait enough for the both of us. "Don't be alarmed Captain;" he spoke, "it's titanium. Don't you remember?" Remember? Did this guy think I fucked his dick loose or something?

"The year was 1983. The place was right in this very station. I was on guard in the middle of the night when a band of wreckless pirates stormed through destroying everything in the path and leaving what I had strived to maintain nothing more than rubble. As they sailed away, I noticed one of them walking the top of the wall humming the theme of Three's Company whilst carrying a map. I tackled him as we wrestled on the wall and then he pulled out a pornographic magazine, thus making my weinersnitz become farfegnutened. Then he pulled out a sword and with a mighty swing, he decapitated my braut as it flew into the river never to be seen again." "Damn;" I said, "who did that?" "IT WAS YOU YOU FUCKER!" I had to think back..."oh yeah, how's that working out for you?"

With a pelvic thrust, he knocked me over and onto the hard ground. "It would be a pleasure for me to kill you now, but I'd rather just have that treasure boy. Ya see, I've studied the map you forgot and although I can't swim to those depths...your ass can. You're gonna hand over that treasure to me." "And if I refuse?" ... "I'll kill you." Well, that was pretty strait forward. The next words to come out of my mouth were going to be when do we saddle up, but in that moment there was a loud sound bellowing from the river.

The building was rockin, so don't you come knockin. "What the hell is that?" The baffled general ran outside to see what it was, but at that point the inside became the outside as the mighty Alphten Cruiser plowed through the barracks. "CAPTAIN! ALL ABOARD THAT'S COMING ABOARD! ARHH!" The plot...she had thickened...


...has the Alpha Clan come for their imprisoned Captain?
...what kind of porno was the mag? (Backyard Booties, no doubt.)
...you want fries with that bitch!?!

Tune in next time for chapter five of Alfred Tabbs II: Electric Boogaloo

[|UAY| |)(V)|3]

yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay...delicious as usual

[Red_41]

*stands and claps hands furiously*

Author ... Author!!!

[Hudak-Budak]

The story of the guy losing his johnson brought a tear to my eye. The rest of the story brought a stiffness to my crotch.