Parenting Thread

[neumdogg]

Originally Posted by dmbmuskie

My wife and I have 8 hours per week of no questions asked personal time. Try something similar.

This is a great idea. It's really good to have your own time.

[dmbmuskie]

Originally Posted by neumdogg

This is a great idea. It's really good to have your own time.

It’s the best. Obviously, you need a partner who doesn’t abuse it and knows that some weeks it just isn’t going to happen.

[bfoll09]

Originally Posted by dmbdreamingtree

If you have peeped some of my recent posts in the nDMBc, you will have seen how I am trying to find out how other parents carve any semblance of a personal life out for themselves while parenting.

I have a nearly two year old and soon to have a newborn on the way. Full disclosure, love my kid like no other. That does not change the fact that I am struggling with having no life outside of parenting and work. I can't seem to imagine time for school, exercise, fun, etc for myself. My wife is handling everything so well. She doesn't really have the issues I have with zero time for fun. She thinks the whole parenting thing is fun. My buddies (from the outside) seem to be handling fathering so well. Despite feeling bogged down by parenting, I am always there as a parent and parental duties. My wife thinks i am a great father.

But i sadly am not "getting" the fun and joy in this whole parenting thing. Maybe it is the COVID lockdown as well. Maybe I'm just burned out. I hope this sentiment changes and I come around. It better as I am in for a whole new ball game with a new born on the way and our rising two year old.

I struggled with the same thing when our second was born. Whatever little time you think you have now it's about to shrink exponentially with 2. The first few months are hard with the newborn and a toddler (ours was 3) but things eventually settle down.

The key for us was working as a team and finding time to do what you like. You obviously have a primary responsibility to your family but I'm also a big proponent of taking care of yourself too. I like to run so I run on my lunch breaks while the kids are at day care. I took up guitar during covid so I found virtual lessons that are offered after the kids bedtime. My wife loves yoga so I encourage her to take whatever time she needs while I take the two kids. She does the same when I try to get out golfing (not that often).

I understand our situations are not the same but I would suggest talking to your wife. She may be feeling the same and above all things, this will likely only make you a better team mate as you take care of your growing family.

[dmbdreamingtree]

Originally Posted by bfoll09

I struggled with the same thing when our second was born. Whatever little time you think you have now it's about to shrink exponentially with 2. The first few months are hard with the newborn and a toddler (ours was 3) but things eventually settle down.

The key for us was working as a team and finding time to do what you like. You obviously have a primary responsibility to your family but I'm also a big proponent of taking care of yourself too. I like to run so I run on my lunch breaks while the kids are at day care. I took up guitar during covid so I found virtual lessons that are offered after the kids bedtime. My wife loves yoga so I encourage her to take whatever time she needs while I take the two kids. She does the same when I try to get out golfing (not that often).

I understand our situations are not the same but I would suggest talking to your wife. She may be feeling the same and above all things, this will likely only make you a better team mate as you take care of your growing family.

much appreciated (and solid) input/advice. thank you

[TimHonks]

Having a really hard time sending my almost 2 year old to daycare. He has been at home with parents and nanny for his whole life and we felt like it was time for him to go to daycare, but he HATES it. I think there is obvious separation anxiety mixed in with some terrible 2's and some issues with not seeing many people during COVID - but it's just brutal. The obvious thing is that it will get better over time, but how many days in a row can you be told he just cries all day? Ugh.

[GSUdawg521]

Hate that for you man. Always hate seeing the other kids getting dropped off crying their eyes out every time. Ours sometimes says she doesn't wanna go, or will be a little clingy at the door, but nothing nearly that bad. Always ends up having fun once she gets in there.

[Foreverford05]

Originally Posted by TimHonks

Having a really hard time sending my almost 2 year old to daycare. He has been at home with parents and nanny for his whole life and we felt like it was time for him to go to daycare, but he HATES it. I think there is obvious separation anxiety mixed in with some terrible 2's and some issues with not seeing many people during COVID - but it's just brutal. The obvious thing is that it will get better over time, but how many days in a row can you be told he just cries all day? Ugh.

My 15 month old starts in 3 months for essentially the same reasons. He could continue to stay here while my MIL watches him but he really needs interaction with other kids and needs to start getting adjusted socially. He, and I (and my wife) will all hate it lol

[dmbdreamingtree]

Just tried to take my child out for a walk using a new Osprey Hiking carrier that I recently bought. They were not having it at all when I put them in the carrier. Like worst fit/screaming they have had. Hope that changes!

[GSUdawg521]

That's like my daughter with the tow behind bike trailer. First time she was kinda young and whined and cried about it the whole time. Second time she was talking more and kept saying she wanted to stop. Both were short rides. Figure I ought to get my 1yo in there sooner.

[neumdogg]

Originally Posted by TimHonks

Having a really hard time sending my almost 2 year old to daycare. He has been at home with parents and nanny for his whole life and we felt like it was time for him to go to daycare, but he HATES it. I think there is obvious separation anxiety mixed in with some terrible 2's and some issues with not seeing many people during COVID - but it's just brutal. The obvious thing is that it will get better over time, but how many days in a row can you be told he just cries all day? Ugh.

Originally Posted by Foreverford05

My 15 month old starts in 3 months for essentially the same reasons. He could continue to stay here while my MIL watches him but he really needs interaction with other kids and needs to start getting adjusted socially. He, and I (and my wife) will all hate it lol

Ugh. Sending our 2.5 year old to preschool starting on next Tuesday. I have NOOOO idea how she will react. I am scared shitless.

[MOWJO8185]

After the older two were crazy clingy criers, my 3rd (also 2) had zero issues going to daycare for the first time last week.

I think covid restrictions helped in a way! I wasn’t able to take him into the classroom and linger and let him get anxious. A teacher just swept him into the room before he could process what was up and he came home happy as could be! Second day he walked right in, it was amazing. I was owed this after the first two lol

[DMBstandUP1984]

Originally Posted by neumdogg

Ugh. Sending our 2.5 year old to preschool starting on next Tuesday. I have NOOOO idea how she will react. I am scared shitless.

Mine started at 16 months. She threw us a peace sign and never looked back.

[M. Steng]

My daughter has been in daycare since 4 months, she actively looks forward to it every day now, it's amazing.

I really feel for the COVID parents who are behind the 8 ball with a solid daily routine as far as school/daycare goes. Sticking to our routine in the morning is the reason we usually have things go pretty smoothly between waking up and dropping off at school.

After school has been a little more challenging lately. She just has so much fun and is so wound up from school sometimes that it takes her a while to calm down, eat dinner, and want to go to bed. We've pushed bedtime back by 15-30 minutes the past few months and that has seemed to help a lot. She just wasn't tired before when we were putting her down between 7-7:30

[DMBstandUP1984]

Originally Posted by M. Steng

My daughter has been in daycare since 4 months, she actively looks forward to it every day now, it's amazing.

I really feel for the COVID parents who are behind the 8 ball with a solid daily routine as far as school/daycare goes. Sticking to our routine in the morning is the reason we usually have things go pretty smoothly between waking up and dropping off at school.

After school has been a little more challenging lately. She just has so much fun and is so wound up from school sometimes that it takes her a while to calm down, eat dinner, and want to go to bed. We've pushed bedtime back by 15-30 minutes the past few months and that has seemed to help a lot. She just wasn't tired before when we were putting her down between 7-7:30

Yeah I remember all the tears from parents at kindergarten. And I was like my kid has been in full time daycare since 1 lol we are good at this

[GSUdawg521]

Originally Posted by DMBstandUP1984

Mine started at 16 months. She threw us a peace sign and never looked back.

Nice. I would say it probably helps when they start as young as ours did, which was like 4-6 months old I think. Cause they don't know any better. But obviously some older kids can handle it just fine too.

[neumdogg]

Originally Posted by M. Steng

My daughter has been in daycare since 4 months, she actively looks forward to it every day now, it's amazing.

I really feel for the COVID parents who are behind the 8 ball with a solid daily routine as far as school/daycare goes. Sticking to our routine in the morning is the reason we usually have things go pretty smoothly between waking up and dropping off at school.

After school has been a little more challenging lately. She just has so much fun and is so wound up from school sometimes that it takes her a while to calm down, eat dinner, and want to go to bed. We've pushed bedtime back by 15-30 minutes the past few months and that has seemed to help a lot. She just wasn't tired before when we were putting her down between 7-7:30

::FINER THINGS CLUB POST::

We had a nanny for our first child and she had no problem started preschool.

We have a nanny for our youngest, but she has not been around many people over the last 18 months due to COVID. She has her core group of people she sees that consists of immediate family, nanny and grandparents. She's not used to see other people.

Should be interesting.

[dmbdreamingtree]

Originally Posted by but1well

I think about this idea a lot. Things, material, or achievements, or job titles are pretty hollow. It's fun pursuing them sometimes but ultimately the joy will wear off and you'll be looking for the next thing. I know you know this, but our kids are one of the few things in life where that rewarding feeling won't go away.

To cheesily quote the Great Gatsby, “All the bright precious things fade so fast, and they don't come back.”

Great response - sorry I missed this.

This is one of the places where I have internal debate about what it all means to have a family. Kids do eventually leave. If they are anything like my sibling and me, they move to different cities/states from their parents and rarely get to see/speak to them (my sister and I are far away from our parents - and I am far away from my sister). They get a career, marry, have family of their own and are involved in their own world. So after ~18 years, kids are gone. Once the kids leave, you are left with your life (one, largely, filled without your kids). When that happens, and your kids are off chasing their dreams and their careers, where does that leave any of us as parents? To prepare for retirement and begin to wind everything down? Are our kids to follow the same path?

To me there has to be more than this cyclical work, procreate, and prepare our children for a life of the same. It severely lacks any of the "dreams" and "ambitions" that we often tout as wanting our kids to hold on to.

My boss (a physician) for example never turned off her career when they had kids, achieving new heights as life went on. Their kids left the nest - and when they did - my boss had their career in place to keep on shaking and baking. I guess this is partly where I had the notion that it was more feasible to balance personal and family life. For example, one of my "idols" is Siddhartha Mukherjee, who openly has a very busy professional life while also having two daughters. I don't expect anyone to read about them, but their wife is also very busy. For example, in a recent-ish story on Dr. Mukherjee, regarding his family and work:

"“I believe that work-life balance is overrated,” he says. “And I have none — zero.” It’s a way of life he shares with his wife, Sarah Sze, a prominent artist known for her large, intricate, and arresting sculptural installations. Sze and Mukherjee both keep irregular hours and travel constantly, she to exhibit her artwork and he to attend conferences. They carve out time each week to focus exclusively on their daughters, who are fifteen and eleven (museum trips and movie nights are always popular). But both parents work many evenings and weekends, Sze at her studio a few blocks from the family’s loft in Chelsea and Mukherjee at his CUIMC lab.

“We invite the girls to come along and even get involved sometimes, to be a part of it and enjoy it with us,” says Mukherjee. “We try to show them that it’s cool to be really passionate about your work — that it’s something we can all be proud of as a family.”

So I was of the mindset - if people can have a busy life with a family, then so can i. But I don't seem to be connecting with many in here regarding that sentiment.

Sorry for the long post! I think this sort of conversation is interesting.

[M. Steng]

There is no reason you can't pursue your passions/interests while you have kids. My most blunt advice would be to stop feeling so fucking sorry for yourself and figure out a way to make it work. You don't have to be with your kids 24/7. It sounds like you need to have an honest conversation with your wife and figure out a way for you to both enjoy time to yourselves individually.

You're living in an imaginary mental prison of your own creation.

[dmbdreamingtree]

Originally Posted by M. Steng

There is no reason you can't pursue your passions/interests while you have kids. My most blunt advice would be to stop feeling so fucking sorry for yourself and figure out a way to make it work. You don't have to be with your kids 24/7. It sounds like you need to have an honest conversation with your wife and figure out a way for you to both enjoy time to yourselves individually.

You're living in an imaginary mental prison of your own creation.

Bolded is hilarious. From what I have gathered from others in this thread, when Steng speaks, you listen.

[YouNeverKnow25]

I was going to put it differently but reiterate and embolden the "this has nothing to do with the kids" stance. I really would recommend talking to a professional about these feelings because they reflect an anxiety issue that you're projecting onto the kid situation.

[dmbdreamingtree]

Originally Posted by YouNeverKnow25

I was going to put it differently but reiterate and embolden the "this has nothing to do with the kids" stance. I really would recommend talking to a professional about these feelings because they reflect an anxiety issue that you're projecting onto the kid situation.

Thanks. I think you may be partly correct. But to be clear, I am not struggling with parenting and walking around miserable. I do struggle with the idea of parenting and balancing personal life - but these are things I can learn to navigate. If we back track - I really came here wanting to know how people manage parenting and personal life (school, exercise - running long distances). The responses I received were mostly that it (it being school, for example) would be nearly impossible. Buy a peloton if you want to exercise. I have appreciated every input because it is cool to learn how others do things. Much of it has been helpful.

But that is where the conversation (existential sort of) really began. My recent message was really a response to the larger theme of certain parts of life not being possible as a parent.

But like you said, my spouse and I just have to figure out how to make it work, however we decide to go forward. Thanks again.

[but1well]

18 years until the last kid is out of the house is a long time. If your career is seriously going to be limited by not getting a masters or something, like Steng said go make it happen. All in all there's no telling which way your career will go, kids or not. I'll guess that more than half of us didn't end up where we expected even in the last 5 years of our careers. Life is so dynamic, having a set plan is just impossible.

Thanks for talking about all of this. It's good for all of us to bounce these thoughts off of each other.

[dmbmuskie]

Being a parent forces you to focus on what is and what is not important. Only you and your partner can figure that out.

[dmbdreamingtree]

Do you all drink (any amount of alcohol) as parents? My wife and I used to drink pretty regularly before becoming parents (we had a lot of fun prior to kids). I haven't really had any alcohol in over two years (since we found out my wife was pregnant). Since she couldn't drink - i didn't. Then when she was breast feeding #1, the sobriety continued. I plan on staying alcohol free at least until my spouse can drink again - after she finishes feeding #2, which is soon on the way.

[YouNeverKnow25]

just seems to be continuing the pattern of you, personally, deciding not to do something that you enjoy, for no reason at all other than self-flagellation

[dmbdreamingtree]

Originally Posted by YouNeverKnow25

just seems to be continuing the pattern of you, personally, deciding not to do something that you enjoy, for no reason at all other than self-flagellation

Hello there. I get the sense that maybe I am urking you. My wife and I agreed on this at the beginning of pregnancy #1 to be fair to her. In all honesty I was also applying to med school and it just seemed a good time to take a break. All I'm asking is if any parents in here drink - which may seem like a dumb question to others?

[YouNeverKnow25]

that's not "fair," that's a toddler saying to her brother "it's not my birthday too, so it's not fair for you to have presents at your birthday party."

literally every single parent in here drinks, and if they don't it has nothing to do with being a parent

[YouNeverKnow25]

pictured: someone urking me

[GSUdawg521]

I won't pile on dmbdt for that question. I'm not a good example because I barely drink anyway. My wife only slightly more than me. So yeah there was very little drinking during both pregnancies and breastfeeding periods.

[YouNeverKnow25]

next it's going to be "do any parents in here eat solid food? I used to love to eat all kinds of food; steak, lucky charms, french fries, chicken---but since we've had THIS DAMN KID it just doesn't seem fair anymore to do anything other than drink milk. what about you, other parents--is my time eating food over?"